Numb. Apathetic. That's exactly how i feel when the water do not fall on my head yesterday night. 

It was expected thou. Perhaps is because deep down inside my heart, i know that i am not ready yet. Or perhaps is Chooi Lin's facial expression when she looked at me declared the result beforehand.

Failing the vote of confidence is not like the end of the world to me. I don't really feel down, sad or depress. Just numb. Perhaps is because i choose to run away from my feeling and decided to turn off my emotional switch. (Just like those vampires in Vampire Diaries huh?) But the bad thing is when you choose to shut down all those negative feelings, you choose to be invulnerable for the positive feelings too. Yes, i decided to hide away from myself and yes, i decided to put back a mask and break a promise that i swore so loud to the plenary earlier that day. 

Failing the voc is never easy. Although i was not splashed with piles of water, i do feel splashed inside my heart. I feel like there is as if a big pile of water, splashing away the dust, the ego and the desire inside my heart. I have been blind-folded by the lust and desire for the position of vice president for the past few weeks. And for the first time for a very long period, i found myself being sober and able to see things vividly again. 

Something that I have learned about myself through this election is i am not as good as i thought. I have been confident. Over-confident. I have a great passion towards the organization and i got some big plans in the future. I believe that how much you are willing to do or sacrifice is more important than how much you can contribute to the organization. I know i can lead, i have a good communication skills and some pretty decent presentation skills. I want this position so hard that i never even thought about losing the election. But the truth is, not everybody view you the same way like you do and passion alone is never enough. This reminds me of a story that my mum used to tell me when i was small: There was this stupid thief, he stuffed a ear plug to his ears and went to steal a bell from a temple. He is naive enough to think that as long as he cannot hear the bell rings, nobody will able to listen to it too. This thief ended up being caught the very second he removed the bell. And now i am just like the stupid thief, i assumed everyone will think the way like i do. I assumed that people will think like me and most importantly i assumed that i am better than most of the people. Well, apparently i don't. 

The second thing that i have discovered is i am not being honest enough to myself. I came out with this big dream that i want to change people mindset in the future. I want to see our world in a better state tomorrow and i hope one day in the future people will actually care for each other and live their life with a purpose. I wish to see that one day in the future, people will no longer go after money, power or fame. Two questions here: first, do i force this life goal to myself just to make sure there is a life purpose/meaning in my life and second how much do i really willing to sacrifice to achieve it? Not everybody want to change the way they are living now and not everybody agree or believe with my ideas. I have received comments like my dream is unrealistic. It is not SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely). It sounds more like a BHAG instead of a goal. Fair enough, if someone has come to me and told me something like this few months back i will be like: "nehh, that guy is an idiot, something must have went wrong with his mind and he is dreaming of becoming a hero." But it is really depressing to know that your dreams are not able to get the trust and resonance from others, especially from those that you really care and love. 

My dream seems to crash when it haven even start to take flight.

It was only right after i failed my election i realized that there are so many weaknesses in myself. I always thought communication is one of my strength. However, it is only after that day i start to analyse my relationship with the others. I realized that the fact that i am able to talk to the others do not mean that i am able to communicate with everyone. The different between talk and communicate is simply one involving trust and believe while the other don't. There are people who i find it difficult to connect with like Denise and Rachel and there are people who i started off well but ended up being awkward like Sarah and Indhu. I don't really understand where it went wrong but somehow it just doesn't feel right. Do i set up a barrier between myself and the others? Have i become someone that is so egoistic and hard to communicate with?

I mentioned that one of the value that i treasure a lot in my life is honesty. Wearing mask is tiring. You tend to lost yourself after a while. That is why I have tried to make myself naked in front of others all these time. I try to be as sincere as i can be. I complained when i am not satisfied with something, i became furious when i was angry with an issue and i talked to people whenever i feel sad, demotivated or feeling helpless. One of the thing i used to like about AIESEC was i get to be myself. I can show the real me over here, there was no reason to be faked or pretentious in front of people you treat as family right? But something that i have learn in the hard way is not everybody will appreciate you for being completely honest, even your family. People will only expect you to be honest to a certain extend. If you are fool enough to completely expose yourself, you are just making yourself vulnerable and ... disgusting? Because what you are doing are simply forcing people to watch and accept the negative side of you. Lesson learned, leave the good side to all and keep the bad one to yourself. 

Despite everything, i do gained something really valuable during this election. Although i lost the sense of belonging towards the organization but i do strengthen my bond with some of the people around me. It is only when you fail and fall hard to the ground you get to know who's the one that is always there for you. It is a norm that people only remember the winners and tend to forget the losers. I considered myself lucky. There are always this group of people that are always there for me. What more important is they are willing to be honest with me, help me analyse my weakness and provide me suggestions for me to grow. Probably the best thing that i have gained through joining AIESEC is this bunch of friends. I even received motivational message from my beloved Ulalas group mates and from Mei Jin which are totally unexpected. Their message do warm my heart a little bit. :) 

"I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why i suceed" - Michael Jordon. If i never fail this round, i will never know there are so many parts of me that need to be improved. I was being too stubborn and have choose to ignore my mistakes before. I shall treat this as a perfect opportunity for me to learn, rise and grow.  

However, no matter how much i want to deny it, i know the burning passion in my heart towards AIESEC is fading. Perhaps is because there are too many questions in my mind right now or perhaps is because my dreams and my value has been denied or perhaps i just feel that i have sacrifice too much but never get the same in return. So till the time i am able to answer all the "why" in my hearts and able to reopen my heart to everyone again, i will just going to continue wearing my mask and my friends will be the only reason why i stay in AIESEC.

 Or perhaps all that are just excuses and denial and i am just hurt all after all.