Numb. Apathetic. That's exactly how i feel when the water do not fall on my head yesterday night. 

It was expected thou. Perhaps is because deep down inside my heart, i know that i am not ready yet. Or perhaps is Chooi Lin's facial expression when she looked at me declared the result beforehand.

Failing the vote of confidence is not like the end of the world to me. I don't really feel down, sad or depress. Just numb. Perhaps is because i choose to run away from my feeling and decided to turn off my emotional switch. (Just like those vampires in Vampire Diaries huh?) But the bad thing is when you choose to shut down all those negative feelings, you choose to be invulnerable for the positive feelings too. Yes, i decided to hide away from myself and yes, i decided to put back a mask and break a promise that i swore so loud to the plenary earlier that day. 

Failing the voc is never easy. Although i was not splashed with piles of water, i do feel splashed inside my heart. I feel like there is as if a big pile of water, splashing away the dust, the ego and the desire inside my heart. I have been blind-folded by the lust and desire for the position of vice president for the past few weeks. And for the first time for a very long period, i found myself being sober and able to see things vividly again. 

Something that I have learned about myself through this election is i am not as good as i thought. I have been confident. Over-confident. I have a great passion towards the organization and i got some big plans in the future. I believe that how much you are willing to do or sacrifice is more important than how much you can contribute to the organization. I know i can lead, i have a good communication skills and some pretty decent presentation skills. I want this position so hard that i never even thought about losing the election. But the truth is, not everybody view you the same way like you do and passion alone is never enough. This reminds me of a story that my mum used to tell me when i was small: There was this stupid thief, he stuffed a ear plug to his ears and went to steal a bell from a temple. He is naive enough to think that as long as he cannot hear the bell rings, nobody will able to listen to it too. This thief ended up being caught the very second he removed the bell. And now i am just like the stupid thief, i assumed everyone will think the way like i do. I assumed that people will think like me and most importantly i assumed that i am better than most of the people. Well, apparently i don't. 

The second thing that i have discovered is i am not being honest enough to myself. I came out with this big dream that i want to change people mindset in the future. I want to see our world in a better state tomorrow and i hope one day in the future people will actually care for each other and live their life with a purpose. I wish to see that one day in the future, people will no longer go after money, power or fame. Two questions here: first, do i force this life goal to myself just to make sure there is a life purpose/meaning in my life and second how much do i really willing to sacrifice to achieve it? Not everybody want to change the way they are living now and not everybody agree or believe with my ideas. I have received comments like my dream is unrealistic. It is not SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely). It sounds more like a BHAG instead of a goal. Fair enough, if someone has come to me and told me something like this few months back i will be like: "nehh, that guy is an idiot, something must have went wrong with his mind and he is dreaming of becoming a hero." But it is really depressing to know that your dreams are not able to get the trust and resonance from others, especially from those that you really care and love. 

My dream seems to crash when it haven even start to take flight.

It was only right after i failed my election i realized that there are so many weaknesses in myself. I always thought communication is one of my strength. However, it is only after that day i start to analyse my relationship with the others. I realized that the fact that i am able to talk to the others do not mean that i am able to communicate with everyone. The different between talk and communicate is simply one involving trust and believe while the other don't. There are people who i find it difficult to connect with like Denise and Rachel and there are people who i started off well but ended up being awkward like Sarah and Indhu. I don't really understand where it went wrong but somehow it just doesn't feel right. Do i set up a barrier between myself and the others? Have i become someone that is so egoistic and hard to communicate with?

I mentioned that one of the value that i treasure a lot in my life is honesty. Wearing mask is tiring. You tend to lost yourself after a while. That is why I have tried to make myself naked in front of others all these time. I try to be as sincere as i can be. I complained when i am not satisfied with something, i became furious when i was angry with an issue and i talked to people whenever i feel sad, demotivated or feeling helpless. One of the thing i used to like about AIESEC was i get to be myself. I can show the real me over here, there was no reason to be faked or pretentious in front of people you treat as family right? But something that i have learn in the hard way is not everybody will appreciate you for being completely honest, even your family. People will only expect you to be honest to a certain extend. If you are fool enough to completely expose yourself, you are just making yourself vulnerable and ... disgusting? Because what you are doing are simply forcing people to watch and accept the negative side of you. Lesson learned, leave the good side to all and keep the bad one to yourself. 

Despite everything, i do gained something really valuable during this election. Although i lost the sense of belonging towards the organization but i do strengthen my bond with some of the people around me. It is only when you fail and fall hard to the ground you get to know who's the one that is always there for you. It is a norm that people only remember the winners and tend to forget the losers. I considered myself lucky. There are always this group of people that are always there for me. What more important is they are willing to be honest with me, help me analyse my weakness and provide me suggestions for me to grow. Probably the best thing that i have gained through joining AIESEC is this bunch of friends. I even received motivational message from my beloved Ulalas group mates and from Mei Jin which are totally unexpected. Their message do warm my heart a little bit. :) 

"I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why i suceed" - Michael Jordon. If i never fail this round, i will never know there are so many parts of me that need to be improved. I was being too stubborn and have choose to ignore my mistakes before. I shall treat this as a perfect opportunity for me to learn, rise and grow.  

However, no matter how much i want to deny it, i know the burning passion in my heart towards AIESEC is fading. Perhaps is because there are too many questions in my mind right now or perhaps is because my dreams and my value has been denied or perhaps i just feel that i have sacrifice too much but never get the same in return. So till the time i am able to answer all the "why" in my hearts and able to reopen my heart to everyone again, i will just going to continue wearing my mask and my friends will be the only reason why i stay in AIESEC.

 Or perhaps all that are just excuses and denial and i am just hurt all after all.

2012 回忆录

2013年1月1日
早上5点30分

从新年倒数活动回来已经有接近两个小时了，可是洗了一个澡的我却睡意全无。在随意游览面子书时发现接近所有更新都围绕着新的一年打转-有的写下祝福、有的定下新一年的目标与志向更有的写下在回顾去年后所得到的回忆与感想。

看了众多的留言和更新后我也不禁的回想起来我的2012年，然而回忆犹如幻灯片般的在脑海中飘过后所留下的大多部分却是些心酸、懊恼和苦涩的记忆。

回想起2011年刚刚从大学先修班毕业的我，虽然没有表示出来可是内心里却是一个不可一世、冲动、自命天高的小伙子。平庸表现下隐藏的却是一颗骄傲、自大和狂野的心。那时的我对未来充满了憧憬，对未来充满了信心，总觉得自己是人中之龙，是天之骄子不管现在如何未来肯定是光明的。

科系选择

没有想到的是在毕业不久后我便遇上了人生中的第一道关卡-大学和科系的抉择。还记得在中学时期有学过一首我个人非常喜欢的诗《未选择的路 - The Road Not Taken》


Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood,and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.


还记得当初第一次读到这篇诗歌时便引起了我十分大的共鸣。那些精炼的语言和简单的文字却带来了寓意深远的含义并成功的带领读者们进行深度的思考和共鸣。它含蓄的比喻告诉我们人生就像一条不能回头的单行道，正如法国大文豪罗曼罗兰所云：人生不出售来回票。一旦动了身便不能在往返。人生始终不能同时间踏上两条不同方向的道路，一旦做出了选择往往便没了回头路，正犹如古人所说：一回头已是百年身。要如何走出一条自己不会后悔的路才是重点。

站在人生抉择口，从小娇生惯养和习惯被父母溺爱的我顿时失去了方向。缺乏人生阅历的我犹如一只在丛林里迷路的小羔羊，始终站在那路口徘徊，举棋不定。抱着一种想要鱼肉和熊掌兼得心态但却连自己内心的兴趣和渴望也不了解的我便这样错过了2011年便上大学的机会。

人总是爱为自己的过失或烦恼找借口，错过了大学录取期限的我干脆把烦恼抛去脑后，决定给自己放一个长假，期望在那段时间中找到自己的兴趣并最终做出决定。然而在缺乏自制力的情况下，除了刚开始有在网上做参考外后来几乎每天都沉迷在那虚幻的电脑世界中，一发不可自拔。一至到婆婆去世的那天情况才有所改变。

婆婆去世对我多多少少带来了一些打击。我发现其实人生十分短暂又十分脆弱。我越加的害怕自己在这人生其中最重要的抉择口上做出错误的决定，毕竟人生就那么长的时间，我不想（我更害怕）我在下半辈子时后悔现在即将作出的这个决定。在婆婆丧礼期间，我偶然接触到了我堂哥当初大学时的经济学课本，在浅浅的读了几章后发现了经济学的魅力，产生了对经济学的兴趣。当时已厌倦了思考并已经开始有些自暴自弃的我在网上粗糙的做了一些研究后便草草的决定要抛弃父母想要我读的工程系或医药系选择就读经济学。

然而事情并没有应为我做了抉择后便成了一帆风顺。在周围友人、亲戚和家人的影响下我开始指责我自己的决定，我又变的有些举棋不定了。在众多的压力下我渐渐的开始崩溃，我的脾气开始变得很急躁，我开始厌倦与人相处甚至于有段时间我有了轻微忧郁症的症状。我发现当初那快乐、嚣张的我似乎有些远离我了。

在抱着这种心态的情况下，时隔将近9个月后我踏入了我选择的的第一间大学 - Monash。 带着一种患得患失心情的我自然不能很好的融入我的大学生活，两个星期后我选择了退出。为此我还和我父亲吵了几次架。老实说我感觉很对不起我父亲，毕竟家境不富裕的我并不允许我那么任性的挥霍家里的钱。

再后来我申请了香港大学，并暗暗的对自己承诺如果申请失败便跟着我父亲的愿望去转修专业课程。我决定把选择权交给命运。在等待答复的当儿，我开始了我的打工生涯。

打工

回想起来，选择在那段时间打工可能是我在2012年中做出最重要的决定。

之前只在银河做过3个月假期工的我选择了不再做办公室助理这份无聊又琐碎的工作。我开始和不同的朋友做临时工。卖过食品、帮过周年庆、推销过相机、介绍过名牌包，我在一份份不同的工作下慢慢的成长了。我开始对未来有了一些想法同时也不再那么贪玩。在社会那大染缸下我慢慢的被催熟了。我认识了一些必须半工读的同事，从而发现自己的幸运。我也认识了一些还没中学毕业便出来社会找工作的一群人，从他们身上发现了教育的重要性并通过反面教材提升了自己的视野和一些对未来的看法。我开始体会到‘活到老学到老’的重要性，只有在承认自己有缺陷的情况下你才会拥有学习和增长的可能性。

打工期间最让我难忘的是在为Colgate打工的那一段时间。我有幸和其他9位同事飞往全马各地提倡保持口腔健康的重要性。其中在槟城时更是体会到了当地人的热情，每当想起他们只在短短认识了一天后便不惜特地在凌晨跑来为我们送机的情形我便感动不已。其中更有的在离别时哭了出来，那瞬间的感动绝对是无法用笔墨形容的。

为Colgate打工期间也和上司和其他9位同事交成了非常好的朋友，还记得每当放工回酒店时我们便会聚在一起聊天说地，在工作正式结束后我们更是有一大帮同事上司一起出来喝酒打闹的聚会。年龄和种族在那时已完全不重要。时隔半年，虽然现在见面的机会少了很多但我很敢肯定那段一起做工，一起旅游和一起玩乐的时光我是绝对不会忘记的。就冲那段美好的回忆我便从来没有后悔过当初决定暂停读书的决定。

打工期间遇上的人很多，其中便有一个让我心动的女生。现在想起来应该是她那甜美的笑容再加上那外柔内刚的个性深深的吸引住我吧！对自己严重缺乏信心的情况下，我畏惧于采取行动，最终看见她和另一个朋友走到了一块。虽然有些遗憾但人生本就没有完美的吧！

当我最终回到大学时，我发现我与其他的同学格格不入。我不会说我比他们成熟但我肯定的是我们思想方面的着重点不同。打工的生涯已彻底的改变了我一贯的想法，看一件事物的角度自然也不一样。这也导致我在刚开学期间选择了自我孤立。纵使是现今交了一些朋友但始终还是会感觉到隔膜，达不到与之前一起做工的同事或大学先修班那般死党的程度。

失望

想凭2A2B的成绩进入港大是件几乎不可能的事，所以你可以想象在他们告诉我我被列入候选名单时我有多么的高兴。或许是我面试时的表现帮了我吧！可惜的是在最终他们还是阻绝了我。当时的我非常失望，但唯一能做的也只有不断的用阿Q精神安慰自己罢了。

照原本的约定我本来是应该改修专业课程的，可是到最后我又犹豫了。

老实说比起经济，我更有兴趣的是生物。人体的奥秘始终还是比死沉沉的经济学有趣多了。可是我却对医生的工作没有兴趣。医生在我看来是件伟大但却吃力不讨好的工作，他们为了大家而牺牲了自己的时间与青春而我自认自己没有那么伟大。当我在问我妈妈意见时她只问了我一句：“你能像那些战地医生那般牺牲自己去拯救他人吗？” 听完我沉默了。我知道自己并没有那么伟大。

最终兜来兜去的，我始终还是选回了经济与金融。

新加坡

新加坡是我2012的一个亮点。

做出了决定后我决定停止我一切工作，让自己心情平复下来。在收到我人生中第一张超过2千块钱的支票后，我决定厚着脸皮参进我朋友和他大学朋友一起组办的新加坡自游团。在一大帮人当中我只认识我朋友一人。好在大家都是年轻人的份上，一会儿便能打成一团，不至于全程尴尬。

新加坡旅程有我许多的第一次。我第一次搭长途夜班火车，第一次和同龄朋友一起出国旅游，第一次住进背包旅客的酒店等等。。。一切都十分新鲜。

新加坡比我想象中的好上太多了。原本只是以为和吉隆坡差不多的我到了那儿才体会到这两个城市之间那巨大的差别。而我们的行程也从一开始的3天2夜改为一个星期（你可以想象有多棒！）。在我朋友亲戚的带领下，我有幸畅游了整个新加坡，体验到了不止旅客能得到的行程和体会。若一定要说一件让我印象最深刻的应该是他们的交通系统吧！新加坡拥有十分完善的交通系统，在那汽车已完完全全的从必需品转型为奢侈品了！再加上哪儿不高的生活水平（不看兑换率），它的确让我产生了一种发自内心想在哪儿工作的感觉。

特别推荐的是在哪儿需要大排长龙的极乐皇朝，吃后让食客口齿留香的感觉的确让人难以忘怀。虽如今在Paradigm Mall已设有分行但我个人始终觉得它的味道没新加坡那间的正宗。

大学

不包括二月份那短暂的两个星期，当我再一次踏进大学时我已经有1年又3个月没有读书了。再加上之前一向来都是理科生的我突然要跳进一个完全没踏足过的文科领域其实我是十分担忧的。

诺丁汉在马来西亚的分校其实还是非常棒的，高密度的绿化工程在加上背山面湖的景色的确会让你有一种心广神怡的感觉。参观者甚至会误以为他们身在旅游景点中呢！此外独特的建筑风格也的确为这校园填色不少。可惜的是这些建筑的室内设计比起它们的外观失色了不少。简朴的室内设计风格或许是希望提倡学生们的读书风气吧。

可惜的是这间大学还有一个致命点 - 它的位置和食物。位于大约离市中心45分钟车程的小镇，无论是附近的娱乐设施或食物选择都非常有限。再加上价不廉物不美的食堂，这些都让诺丁汉大学每年都损失了一大批的学生来源。

或许是太久没跟同年龄阶层的人接触，我一进去便感觉到和其他同学之间有一层隔膜。更令我尴尬的是遇见中学时期的学弟。以往的学弟变成如今的同窗多多少少让我感到有一些不自在。再加上90%的同学都小我一年甚至两年，看着他们似乎便像看着我那遗失并消散的青春。如今慢他人一年的事实让人既无奈又苦涩。

虽然是男生但有时我还是会发下梦，偶尔也会幻想会在大学中遇到一位比较特别的女生，结束20年的单身生涯；又或者是会幻想能遇到一般志同道合的朋友，在大学中便开创出自己的事业。所以其实当我第一次踏入课堂时，我是抱着很大的期望而来的。然而期望越大，失望越大。诺丁汉的学生似乎对社交一丁点兴趣都没有，而交到的朋友当中也没有兴趣相同的同志。可是既然最终已选择了这间人情味淡漠的大学，我现在又怎么有立场批评呢？

渴望在这冷淡校园寻找到些温柔的我决定参加了社团，希望借此遇见我理想中的朋友。在姐姐的介绍下我加入了AIESEC与据说是所有商科学生都会参加的华尔兹街社团。社团是一个奇怪的东西，它就犹如一个迷你社会，总会有一种妖异的魔力把人们心中的欲望释放出来，而在这迷你社会中背地里拼的便是人脉而竞争的便是那似乎高高在上的委员位置。

我重来都不否认我是一个有强大野心和欲望的人，因此一旦拥有机会我便会犹如那些想要寻找伴侣的雄性孔雀，用尽一切可能的想表达自己的能力。可惜的是很多时候展现出来的并不是那五彩缤纷的羽毛，而是那光秃秃，缺乏了颜色和个人特色的翅膀。

加入社团让我发现自己的幼稚和肤浅，在遇到众多远远比我出色的学长后我才发现原来我就犹如那躲在井底的青蛙，当我在为我自己所跳出的一小步而沾沾自喜时，他人已如大鹏那般展翅高飞，远远的把我这个站在原地自夸自擂的井底之蛙抛在后头。我在他人身上发现了许多我并不具备的优点而我现在所需要做的便是把自己当成一块海绵，饥渴的把他人的优点给摄取开来。

社团还有一个神奇的魔力，它把那些思想雷同的人们给聚在了一起，而其过程中产生的火花或许便会是你人生中最美好的回忆。我至今还记得我在那激励营中所的到的感动。我还记得在发表自己内心感想后几乎掉下的泪水。我更记得的是团员们给我的拥抱和其中所产生出的浓厚友谊。加入社团后我似乎发现了我在大学中一直苦苦追求和渴望的温暖。大学在我看来本就不是只是为了读书而存在的，读书过程中所得到的友情、经历与回忆才是我们能从中所能得到的最大的财富。

体悟

不知不觉中，我加入社团的初衷已改变。我变得不再对那些委员位置产生渴望，而那些之前似乎高高在上的委员们也成了我如今需要学习和模仿的对象。如今的我，更只是重在参与，想静静的体会社团带给我的快乐与体验。此外，在放弃了心中的欲望后我也感觉到了久违的自由与轻松。

2012年，我经历了我人生中的最低潮。在此我要感谢一班每当我心情低落都会默默的为我分忧的老朋友们。虽然面对面时因为太肉麻没敢对你们说但我真的很想对你们说声谢谢，感谢你们帮助我挺过我人生的低谷。你们是我目前为止最大的骄傲。

2012年中，我似乎成熟了一些。我焕然发现原来我内心渴望的从来都不是金钱、地位或财富。原来我一开始在这人生中最重要的交叉点上要选择的并不是读什么科系，而是我在人生中到底追求的要是金钱、财富和地位又或者是幸福、友谊和快乐。曾经有段时间因看见周围朋友们的成就而感到越发迷茫的我现今已找到那困扰我许久问题的答案。就犹如那首诗《The Road Not Taken》，我决定抛弃那条追求世俗金钱，被大多数人所选择的道路，而踏向那条已快乐为本，以体验人生为主题的道路。我相信只要能保持着这个信念，百年之前当我回顾自己人生时我将是快乐和幸福的，毕竟那条道路上所能得到的快乐才是我们人生中能得到最最最巨大的财富。让自己活得快乐一些就是我对那问题最好的答案。

2013年我的愿望很简单，就是希望能永远记得这些体悟，让我在我自己人生的画卷上图下最快乐、最有意义的一幅画。

End.